tomorrow is my birthdya
I am not sure what I have done as a mother
but it must be really wrong
I have to go to work
because I didn't get my bids in I am leaving this afternoon
and I get that zane hasn't doens care
I know he does nto love or care
but I had at least hoped my daughter would ahv ecoem to an age where sher can see that and

the dishonest behaviour
the inability to say I do not want this
the niggling the blaming
I have no respect for the not say what he means
he has no love for me
is it plain to see
he has some obligation to the children
but is that unconditonal love
I will not let anyone
make me feel of little worth
I am strong
I am very comfortable in who I am
I can manage by myself
I have been doing that for years
I care for the children
I pay the bills
I do the checks and balances
I am strong
I will move forward with
complete feeling that I did what I could
i did not let this end without putting in a good effort
you can not make some one love you
you can not change how someone thinks
you can not make some one feel

I will live through this time and when it is right I will move on
I need to be me
not to be the heart and lungs of a rusty ship
it will fall apart but I will rebuild my part of this life
with my children and make them strong
and give them strength to go forward in this life
with confidence and power
to do what is good to find what is right
to always feel wanted and loved
to never make do
to use the choice they have
to be free
from criticisms from passive aggresive behaviour that shadows you daily trying to make everything ok
from being told you are not OK
and you are the problem
my children will make better choices choices because they have seem me be strong.

holiday end

well one month of annual leave goes so fast
funeral in broken hill
Kids busy
big girl running running running
so close still so far to go........
Eli up and Eli down school life friends
friends birthday parties., social excitement to much to drink ....normal
husband up husband down
Sydney bb
RPA busy place running back and forth
cousins father family
I always think this is the time someone will say let me help
have a break
not this time, social excitement to much to drink..........normal.............tears
home
disappointing relief?
visitors my favourite
baby ??? forget so quickly
the feeling that my life is not in my control
too tired to feel
too tired to feel
moments of beauty
fleeting
fun laugh sharing
red wine
so sleepy so to bed
tomorrow starts the new work year
what is a holiday?

now it is sunday
yesterday Eli and I drove lena up to mooloolaba for a week with Montana and her grandparents, a lovely apartment on the river and opposite the beach, nice!
Friday Lena ran at 6;30am so I was able to get some bread from Brumby's early and then monitored the road with Liane until it was open about 12;30pm
Zane drove Lena and I out to moggill armed with the supplies requested
L and I stayed the day and cataloged and photographed all the books we could find in the sodden mess then threw them away!
we drove past 415 kangaroo gully road on our way home
all the furniture was out the front of the house, very sad thank god we moved!
it is always interesting to me to see how everyone behaves in tiem of crisis,
some people really do need to be the centre of attention at all times
but this is bigger than petty attention seekign behaviour.
moving on

I woke this morning at 4:30am but for the first time in what seems like weeks I had slept soundly for 6 hours.
It is Friday 14th Jan but this past 5 days seems like a month.
Having moved into Russell Terrace on 1 Dec, with no glass for our windows and after a fitfull first night on waking to have to get Eli down a rain soaked slope in the rain to the one operating toilet.
now a month and half later we still have no glass in the windows but the bathrooms are all functioning and my kitchen rocks and the internal stairs make access a breeze, we have moved from all sleeping in the living room to the kids in the dining room and us in the living room, it did make a difference,
The kids have managed, well just Eli is pretty out of sorts and Lena told me last night he just wanted some attention; Lena has been great for a 12 year old she has tried to keep p with the running and is trying ot be tidy.
The house issues we have have paled into insignificance over the passed 5 days.
This morning while Lena is running I will attempt to get to Julia on Kangaroo Gully Road
taking some fresh milk, it is all I have at the moment getting through will be the first step.
the floods have torn the hearts out of everyone.

Last night felt so quite and calm: the constant stream of traffic that headed up and down our street as it was the most direct access from the west via the suburban roads rather than Moggill Road cut of at Burbong has stopped as the roads begin to open; as I type at 5;30am the first chopper is flying over head.
ready to start again.
I was woken at 4am by kookaburras laughing in the trees that surround the house; my superstitious self lay there wondering if they know something we don't and is it going to start with the rain again.
we have now had respite from the rain for over 24 hours and our morning is clear and warm like a proper Brisbane January morning should be.

where do people start with this much mess?
is there a starting point?
WE start by rolling our sleeves up and putting our heads down and just doing it,

yesterday we got fuel to Ori and Laine via canoe down moggill road to rafting ground road,
the supermarkets are extremely low on stock no milk or bread I managed to get eggs yesterday adn we do have a pretty well stocke dpantry
we were fortunate that our power was not our long enough to spoil any food it would have been criminal to throw food away when it is really quite scarce. how odd it is to write food scarce it is 2011 how is that possible.

For Julia and I food is the way we navigate our day thinking talking buying looking cooking and feeding the ones we love, Julia had recently confirmed our book club date and with the excitement brimming over telling us she was going through her new cook book for our menu.
Belinda Jaffery she had emailed her and Belinda had emailed back, simple things that she had time to do last week.
I heard a woman say in reference to the loss of her home, she had other plans for the next 6 to 12 months but now all the plans are on hold until, no time for frivious emails or pouring ove a loved cook book if you had it to pour over!
I have just purchased my secret santa gift for bookclub, yes we find it more fun in Jan when all the other festivities have past!
I got Julia a beautiful Oroton umbrella ironic /symbolic? one of my work mates said it would have to stop raining now I had spent $50 on umbrella's, I wonder if that was what did it I would like to think so.

Today Lena and I had an adventure maybe even a life changing adventure: we missed a turn off on Centenary Mwy and ended up at......Orion! Springfield Lakes Town Centre!!!!
The sky was blue the clouds white and puffy then it just appeared it was enormous slightly frightening: everything looked the same rows and rows of houses large brick and rendered orifices, big signs with things like Brookwater Estate (just like the shiny brochure in the courier today) We used our time there well, BIG W and Aldi then we made the decision to tackle Woolworths. WE made it out , only to find the roads weren't in our book we needed TOM TOM, no we had nothing but our wits. it was long and it was not pretty but we made it to Goodna then felt safe everything was a looked little disheveled just how we like it.Nearly cried at the moggill ferry Thank God we are home we cheered!!
Then I read half of Kathleen Noonan piece and felt a little unsettled at my own judgmental thoughts about where I live, then I remembered I grew up in Wagga Wagga so really I am only going with what I grew up with, older, lots of trees and not all the same. you love what you know!!!!

Happy New Year

It is now the 2nd day of the year.
Having worked early yesterday
we finished off the Sound of Music
and went to bed early.
only to be woken by the rumbling tummy.
The joys of the aging body and years of shift work.

my week:
fly to Sydney Monday lunch Karen's, dinner Holiday Inn Mascot while studying for Eps
early start, banana nectarine and green tea for breakfast at about 5am.
stress of eps inappropriate timing of snacks, Karen's for party this was lovely.
food, plane, home
get up at 2.30am for work and from there a down hill slide of whatever is close when I had time to eat
nice dinner at home, too lategoing to bed, early start for an Isa return so again only crap food.

Should I make a new year "revolution" as Lena asked yesterday,
I don't as a rule eat crap, it just sometimes the schedule just gets away with me.
and the end result is a day of feeling crap, it will pass

I am about to make a pavolva with miss lena for our visitors tonight our 2nd attempt
if Julie from the movie could cook through the flu I can cook and play with a slightly unhappy
tummy.
maybe I just need a good plate full of prunes?